


If

by TheAverageDorkYoudExpect



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Wikihow, and crushes, coming to terms with sexuality, light cussing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:46:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect/pseuds/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect
Summary: Michael kinda maybe has a crush on Jeremy.





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn't a surprise that Michael had a crush on Jeremy.

I mean, Michael was gay and Jeremy had shared his entire life for way longer than he hadn't. Jeremy was the only person he really trusted, not to mention he was adorably dorky and sweet and one of the only ones Michael could have never imagined his life without. Wanting to spend the rest of his life living with Jeremy and sleeping with- that is to mean _sleeping in the same bed as_ (though he certainly wouldn't be opposed to the other implication)- Jeremy and kissing Jeremy- well, the latter was a bit much. But the other wants didn't mean he liked Jeremy _like that_. Did they?

It was about seventh grade when Michael started to realize that maybe these thoughts weren't purely platonic. He'd known he was gay since he'd known what the term meant because he _kinda maybe_ thought that dating girls was gross and he _kinda maybe_ thought that guys were sorta- okay, _really_ cute sometimes and Michael wasn't the type to be ashamed of who he was.

But for the longest time in seventh grade, he was in this perpetual state of denial about Jeremy. There was absolutely no way that he was in love (even the term sounded cheesy and unrealistic) with his best friend of eight years. He had only really identified it as a crush after an abundance of careful thought...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And wikiHow articles.

A desire to be with his crush? Check. Suddenly feeling nervous or excited around said person? Check. A person he finds attractive and extremely special? Check and check. (Of course he's special, he's Jeremy fucking Heere.) Wondering where they are and constantly wanting to be around them?

Okay, Michael definitely had a crush on Jeremy.

...

Which wasn't a bad thing.

Except for the fact that Michael has very little to no self-control.

Yeah, that might come back to bite him in the ass.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fight me, Michael is taller, okay? Okay.

It was lunch. And where was Michael, you ask?

The answer would be cuddling Jeremy in the corner while his friend trembled in his arms. It was another one of his episodes, one of several after the divorce. He was constantly concerned that he was the reason his mom left and that maybe... just _maybe_ if he weren't such a fuck-up that everything would be okay.

And that's where Michael came in. He rubbed circles into Jeremy's back until the latter was well enough to sit up.

"Are you okay, dude?" Michael gently asked, fighting the urge to press a reassuring kiss to the crown of Jeremy's head.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Love."

He shot up, not believing what he'd heard. "Love?"

"Oh, s-sorry." Jeremy stammered, words tumbling from his mouth before he could stop them. It was actually kinda cute. "I didn't mean it, it just kinda-"

"Oh, it's fine." The taller boy laughed, relaxing into the wall. "Getting caught up in your sexual fantasies again, huh, Jer?"

The other turned scarlet but laughed it off awkwardly until Michael let it go. Jeremy finally spoke up again tentatively. "That gets me thinking. How many people do you think would believe us if we told everyone that we were dating?"

Michael tensed up again. "I don't think that's a good idea, Jeremy." He said, speaking slowly. He had to be careful with this. He'd read enough fanfiction to know that fake dating was a bad idea. (Even though a part of his brain protested that in _fanfiction_ , the two involved usually ended up together.)

But even if it got Michael closer to him temporarily, he knew that he wouldn't be able to stand the fact that it all meant nothing to Jeremy.

If only he knew how wrong he was.


	3. Chapter 3

Walking hand-in-hand through the hallway, Michael could almost pretend they were together. _Almost._

"You know, Michael." Jeremy mused, swinging his hand along to the beat of their steps and making the other boy all blushy inside. "If I was gay, you'd definitely be the first one that I'd date."

Michael felt his heart nearly stop but he forced himself to respond. "Yeah, me- me too, dude."

"Man, I hate to break it to you but you _are_ gay."

_Shit._ "I know. That was kinda- that was the point."

"So... you would go out with me if I ever asked?"

"I mean... yeah." Michael sighed, dropping the other's hand unceremoniously. "If you weren't straight."

Jeremy seemed elated, his blue eyes wide and a small smile gracing his lips.

But Michael brushed it off, like the idiot he is. Jeremy was just happy that Michael trusted him. He didn't actually like him, not _like that_ anyway. That would be ridiculous.

Besides, he said if. _If_ he was gay. Which he wasn't.

_If._ Tiny. Hesitant. Hope-crushing.

_If. If. If._

Michael couldn't help it. He was hurt.

Someday, Jeremy would get married to a girl and from then-on, Michael would only ever be second choice. He'd be the best man, but not the bride. The neighbor, but not the roommate. Jeremey wouldn't confide in him or be affectionate to him or cry in _his_ arms anymore because...

Well, because that was what spouses were for.

Jeremy turned back to face Michael, his smile bright enough to spark a billion lightbulbs. "Good thing I'm bi then."

But he was only talking to himself.


End file.
